Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.