Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
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Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.