Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

hmmmmmm

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

see next tweet for some translations

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.