Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But that’s none of my business

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

The A string on my guit_r is flat

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section