@SLorenzen62

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

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@cjwerleman

When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.

@LostFelicia

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

@ch000ch

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

@QwertyJones3

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

@milexro

The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

@SaraESpivey

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.