When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
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Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!