Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Bill is short for Billiam

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

👀

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

😭😭

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.