Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school