Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball