Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

(Gaming support cat.)

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

NASA has no chill

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?