Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Can’t, holding a grudge

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…