Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00