Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone