Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

*aggressively waits in line*

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Generation gap…

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom