Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

So that’s what we looked like?

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this