Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.