Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.