Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)