Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

#Caturday