Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.