Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

they really do be looking like this

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.