Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

“The Perfect Relationship”