Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
