Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
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My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
when you don’t want to be too vague
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.