Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
You Might Also Like
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
