Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
for all #parents out there
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.