Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
You Might Also Like
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
estão todos miauvindo?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that