Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
You Might Also Like
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
oh you like nyc? name every rat
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.