[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
set yourself free xox
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.