Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

me, too, girl. me, too.

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance