Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
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Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”