Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.