Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

wtf

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

Erm…

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W