Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironic

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.