Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
You Might Also Like
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
what the hell pray for carter everyone
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.