Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.