@TheHyyyype

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

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@wickedsuga

Boy giraffe: You wanna?

Girl giraffe: Ok, but kiss my neck first.

Boy giraffe: But Babe, we only have 3 hours!

@Contwixt

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

@WheelTod

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

@TweetPotato314

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

@Alohababe2011

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

@myles_morrison

If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think “now it’s their problem.”

@oigoabuya

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

@TheCatWhisprer

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

@Kyle_Raney

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

@DothTheDoth

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl