law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.