law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

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Boy giraffe: You wanna?

Girl giraffe: Ok, but kiss my neck first.

Boy giraffe: But Babe, we only have 3 hours!


I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.



“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]


wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on


My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes


If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think “now it’s their problem.”


My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !


The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.


“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family


How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl