law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
a badder mouse
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason