law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”