law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person