Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.