Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Mummies are just super modest zombies

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”