Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!