Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *