Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

Always this one for me forever

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.