Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”