don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.