@EJGomez

LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol

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@fro_vo

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

@VerifiedJayy

Never tell a joke about a midget. They can come back to bite you on the ass

@Cait_Plus_Eight

Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying “keep in touch” after they let you go.

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

@daemonic3

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@TheDreamGhoul

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

@JPHaddadio

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

@Donna_McCoy

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.