Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Good Morning.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Love this one 😂🧟

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)