ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
You Might Also Like
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
But officer, I put the phone down as soon as I saw that you saw me using it…
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Plays tetris. Gets a circle.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
lady: you can’t do that
me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner