@TheAlexNevil

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

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@NoTheOtherJohn

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

@WhatevaConc

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

@pilau

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

@English_Muffin

But officer, I put the phone down as soon as I saw that you saw me using it…

@GarrettCake

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

@Hobo_Splendido

[laundromat]

lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner