Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

Why is it spelled camouflage and not