Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

all bases covered

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

When can I start eating bats again.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.