lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much