Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And that about sums it up.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

Oceanography is all about current events

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree