Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one