Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.