Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

I used the label maker

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.