Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

My neck, my back, my…

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”