Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.