Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

man i love columbo

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses