Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring