Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

emergency phone

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”