Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*