LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
How it started: How it’s going:
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.