Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?