Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
grotesque if literal: baby food
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.