Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
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Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Bike for sale
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.