Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HELP 😭

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.