Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

🐴

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline