lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
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Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
He just like my cat fr
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?