Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.