Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose