Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

vegan witches, happy halloween!

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Dance like you’re not the father

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

Wolves should really raise more people.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.