Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

War & Peace

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest