Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

The French word for sex is croissant.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.