Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

*files a restraining order against reality*

Breaking news:

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?