Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Cat or sheep

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely