Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.